I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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