Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
