I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
