After last night, I could never be a politician.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Randomize
