Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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