I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
