Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Randomize
