im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
