All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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