Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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