I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
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