i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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