does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
