i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Randomize
