She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
