There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
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