You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
