Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
