genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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