She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
