Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Just puked most of my soul out..
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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