the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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