Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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