I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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