I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
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