dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
