If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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