Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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