So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize
