just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
wat bout pragnant strippers??
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
