The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
it's like iHOP with fire
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
You need a sexual gate keeper
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
