the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
