so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Hippo gnu deer
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
