If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
