I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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