I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
