would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
