I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
