So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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