Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
