He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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