I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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