fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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