Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Randomize
