Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Randomize
