It's a beautiful day for a hangover
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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