I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
