if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
