Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
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