Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
