I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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