did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
