Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
