Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
