can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
