You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
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i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
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Do I have a choice?
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I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.