i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
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i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
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he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.