you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
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is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
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HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
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