I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes