I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
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she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
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The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart