Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
