I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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