Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
